I'm back! If anyones still out there...

Hello? Is this thing on?

I'm back on the web!!!

I am posting mostly because I am so excited about life right now.

I am not painting much right now. Although I have two paintings glaring at me to finish them and guilt slamming me.

But I'm writing and I'm FINALLY liking what I'm writing. Matt and I are doing NaNoWriMo again this year- National Novel Writing Month. It is such a blast. The goal is 50,000 words in one month.

Last year was fun, but my story was so involved and huge, I really only scratched the surface of what I wanted to write.

This year, my story is a re-hashed amalgam of a couple of stories I've written and re-written for over a decade now. And I feel pretty good about it.

To the point that I may ACTUALLY let people read it. MAYBE. I will for sure ask Matt to read it. He is an excellent editor and I'd love his opinion.

So, thats where I am. I'm stoked.

And my house is clean enough for drop in guests. You KNOW my life is good when I can say that. I'm on the wagon with this new house.

Check it out! The picture is off my living room, my favorite room in this house.

Tired, uninspired, frustrated

Tired of nursing my toddler.

Uninspired to finish a painting that needs to get done asap.

Frustrated, waiting to hear whether or not we will get the house we have an offer on.

I'm thinking my head may explode.

I cant sit down because Scarlet wants to nurse 24/7 and I'm so drained (physically and mentally) from it I feel like I want to cry. I love her, and I don't mind nursing, but this is getting ridiculous. I know it's a stage and that someday I'll miss this, but right now, it's exhausting.

I am in the middle of yet another commissioned painting and I am in total deadlock. I can't seem to get going on it at all. And it should be easy! I feel absolutely terrible about it- the mama is patiently waiting. I need to get going on it.

And lastly, this house thing. It was supposed to take several months- and thats what we prepared ourselves for. But then, we heard back very quickly. Since this is a short sale, we are depending on the sellers lenders to agree to the sale. We heard from the main lender almost immediatly- a rare occurance and a huge blessing. Then the second lender responded with a counter offer which we agreed to- they accepted, but then came back and asked for more money. This was unethical, so we said no- and we are waiting to hear from them. They'd be idiots to say no- and they already contacted the title company to set up the sale. But we still need that formal yes. And we are dying in the meantime.

So, we wait. And I nurse this baby that I love (I mean, look at that face!). I stare at a half finished painting, brainlessly. And I wait for the phone to ring. Somethings got to give.

Random sappiness.

From hormonal social distress to post hormonal romantiscism? This is one crazy blog.

I just clicked on something and heard a sappy sappy country song, and something in clicked.

(no I havent decided I like country- thats NOT what clicked, fyi)

I am so, so lucky. I mean out of this world lucky to be so in love with the person I married. We've been married over 10 years now and I cannot believe how I seen to like him more and more as he ages and changes.

I still feel sad when he's out of town and can't wait for him to be home. And I still buy clothes with the thought that he will think I look good in them.

I guess I'm goofy.

We've spent the whole weekend very busy and I feel like I haven't seen him enough and I just want him home (he's currently playing bass at church).

Why didn't I end up with a boring marriage like everyone else with all the baggage and the regrets? Who WAS I in my last life? To quote Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love (in reference to someone she felt was very lucky) "She must have saved alot of orphans in her last life"

Maybe. I am very, very blessed in this life for sure, despite my many shortcomings. Why would I possibly be allowed this, AND coffee? :)

Hormones and head games

I'm not sure if its real or not- but every once and a while I'm pretty sure no one likes me.

Usually- I'm told by my husband- it's around my period.

But the evidence is so compelling that I start to form conspiracy thoeories about the people in my life. Like they are all working together to get me out!

Ok- so now you're thinking I'm crazy. Now YOU don't like me either? Great, I'm so screwed.

I really want to be a normal, confident adult. I wish I could get normal and stay there for a whole month- THAT'D be awesome.

I'm going to go eat some rubbish- that usually helps.

A world without food

A more interesting person might post about world hunger. But no, I'm posting about wnating to be free of thinking about food. Yes- once again placing myself in front of ththe whole world. But this is a blog, right? Do I have to be inspirational? Or can I just play to the readers voyeuristic nature? :)

Anyway, I am realizing this morning I woke up early- actually DID my Yoga for the first time in months, and I'm not hungry.

Not to say I wont BE hungry soon, but usually food is my motivationfor waking. No, not the fresh new day, not obligation to get things done. Food. A warm piece of toast. A cold bowl of cereal with cranberries on top. A coconut smoothie!!!

And generally, I go to bed just to stop myself from eating more with the consolation that breakfast is just a snooze away. Then, I get coffee- and that can hold me off until lunch. And lunch usually ends up being snacks until dinner.

So basically I'm like a dog following people around looking for my next morsel. Which is probably why I get so pissed at Strider when he follows me around trying to eat or lick everything in sight. I tend to be most annoyed by things I see in myself. I often say- "Strider- you've eaten, now please go LIVE"

Again, I should take my own advice.

What would I be thinking about if I weren't pondering something tasty? Maybe THEN I could tackle WORLD hunger instead of my own.

Summer is here!

And I didn't have to take Wyatt to the bus stop, nor did I have to think about circle time for preschool or make a lunch! I'm in heaven!!!

I'm sure I'll feel desparate for normalcy once August rolls around, but for now the break is much appreciated.

I have to get painting, I need to get my Etsy store going, I need to clean this stupid house and I need to feel like a good mom for once.

Today I'm stressed because I have a dentist appointment- so, thats eating my head. I'm still nervous even though I get to take a Xanax before the appt. and most likely wont remember the experience much at all. This is the one time I'm actually thankful for a Pharmaceutical company. Without this i'd feel sick all day before the appt.

I'm trying to do the Eat Fat Lose Fat thing for few weeks. Mostly because I feel like I want to gain control of my weight loss without "low fat" products that are full of garbage. Alot of what Mary Enig (the author) says resonates with me. It just makes sense that we are all nutrient deprived- no one eats real food anymore.

I'm a tad paranoid that the high fattiness of the diet will make me gain, but so far, after a week I have not. And I'm impressed at how satiated I feel!

We are VERY anxiously waiting to hear from our real estate agent on whether or not we have a chance to get the house we want. I've got a huge knot in my gut over that.

Did I mention I'm tired of nursing? I know I'm not supposed to say that- I want to be like, "I love nursing! I love connecting with my toddler! It's magical!" And its endless, and she kicks me, and she wants to do it non-stop everytime I sit down. So I stand alot. Even now I'm standing here typing this.

Last night Scarlet hit me in the face with my brush while nursing and I lost my temper. So I walked away, grabbed a wrap and wore her for a few minutes to try and remember whats good about the situation. Matt caught a picture. Thank God for babywearing-even if I only get to do it a few times a week.

Big girls get the job done

And I'm a big girl now.

I had to take a stand on something today in regards to Wyatts school- a bit of a situation where I sort of had to rat someone out for the sake of the school. It was so hard. I almost wanted to fudge a little and pretend I was made to call or something. But I can't do that anymore. I've got to see things and make calls because I'm the adult now.

Very strange to have to have an opinion of your own. I know that sounds just really stupid, but I realized I still don't feel like I'm big enough to have my own opinions yet. At 30!!! Come on!! I'm too old to ask someone else whether I should go to the grocery store or not.

So, I'm starting small. Starting with my vote, my choices of decor. And venturing into school stuff.

Who knows, maybe next I'll decide the fate of mankind!! Ok, well, maybe I'll never be big enough for that.

But I'm a big girl now. Time to let MY yes be yes and MY no be no.