I'm back! If anyones still out there...

Hello? Is this thing on?

I'm back on the web!!!

I am posting mostly because I am so excited about life right now.

I am not painting much right now. Although I have two paintings glaring at me to finish them and guilt slamming me.

But I'm writing and I'm FINALLY liking what I'm writing. Matt and I are doing NaNoWriMo again this year- National Novel Writing Month. It is such a blast. The goal is 50,000 words in one month.

Last year was fun, but my story was so involved and huge, I really only scratched the surface of what I wanted to write.

This year, my story is a re-hashed amalgam of a couple of stories I've written and re-written for over a decade now. And I feel pretty good about it.

To the point that I may ACTUALLY let people read it. MAYBE. I will for sure ask Matt to read it. He is an excellent editor and I'd love his opinion.

So, thats where I am. I'm stoked.

And my house is clean enough for drop in guests. You KNOW my life is good when I can say that. I'm on the wagon with this new house.

Check it out! The picture is off my living room, my favorite room in this house.

Tired, uninspired, frustrated

Tired of nursing my toddler.

Uninspired to finish a painting that needs to get done asap.

Frustrated, waiting to hear whether or not we will get the house we have an offer on.

I'm thinking my head may explode.

I cant sit down because Scarlet wants to nurse 24/7 and I'm so drained (physically and mentally) from it I feel like I want to cry. I love her, and I don't mind nursing, but this is getting ridiculous. I know it's a stage and that someday I'll miss this, but right now, it's exhausting.

I am in the middle of yet another commissioned painting and I am in total deadlock. I can't seem to get going on it at all. And it should be easy! I feel absolutely terrible about it- the mama is patiently waiting. I need to get going on it.

And lastly, this house thing. It was supposed to take several months- and thats what we prepared ourselves for. But then, we heard back very quickly. Since this is a short sale, we are depending on the sellers lenders to agree to the sale. We heard from the main lender almost immediatly- a rare occurance and a huge blessing. Then the second lender responded with a counter offer which we agreed to- they accepted, but then came back and asked for more money. This was unethical, so we said no- and we are waiting to hear from them. They'd be idiots to say no- and they already contacted the title company to set up the sale. But we still need that formal yes. And we are dying in the meantime.

So, we wait. And I nurse this baby that I love (I mean, look at that face!). I stare at a half finished painting, brainlessly. And I wait for the phone to ring. Somethings got to give.

Random sappiness.

From hormonal social distress to post hormonal romantiscism? This is one crazy blog.

I just clicked on something and heard a sappy sappy country song, and something in clicked.

(no I havent decided I like country- thats NOT what clicked, fyi)

I am so, so lucky. I mean out of this world lucky to be so in love with the person I married. We've been married over 10 years now and I cannot believe how I seen to like him more and more as he ages and changes.

I still feel sad when he's out of town and can't wait for him to be home. And I still buy clothes with the thought that he will think I look good in them.

I guess I'm goofy.

We've spent the whole weekend very busy and I feel like I haven't seen him enough and I just want him home (he's currently playing bass at church).

Why didn't I end up with a boring marriage like everyone else with all the baggage and the regrets? Who WAS I in my last life? To quote Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love (in reference to someone she felt was very lucky) "She must have saved alot of orphans in her last life"

Maybe. I am very, very blessed in this life for sure, despite my many shortcomings. Why would I possibly be allowed this, AND coffee? :)

Hormones and head games

I'm not sure if its real or not- but every once and a while I'm pretty sure no one likes me.

Usually- I'm told by my husband- it's around my period.

But the evidence is so compelling that I start to form conspiracy thoeories about the people in my life. Like they are all working together to get me out!

Ok- so now you're thinking I'm crazy. Now YOU don't like me either? Great, I'm so screwed.

I really want to be a normal, confident adult. I wish I could get normal and stay there for a whole month- THAT'D be awesome.

I'm going to go eat some rubbish- that usually helps.

A world without food

A more interesting person might post about world hunger. But no, I'm posting about wnating to be free of thinking about food. Yes- once again placing myself in front of ththe whole world. But this is a blog, right? Do I have to be inspirational? Or can I just play to the readers voyeuristic nature? :)

Anyway, I am realizing this morning I woke up early- actually DID my Yoga for the first time in months, and I'm not hungry.

Not to say I wont BE hungry soon, but usually food is my motivationfor waking. No, not the fresh new day, not obligation to get things done. Food. A warm piece of toast. A cold bowl of cereal with cranberries on top. A coconut smoothie!!!

And generally, I go to bed just to stop myself from eating more with the consolation that breakfast is just a snooze away. Then, I get coffee- and that can hold me off until lunch. And lunch usually ends up being snacks until dinner.

So basically I'm like a dog following people around looking for my next morsel. Which is probably why I get so pissed at Strider when he follows me around trying to eat or lick everything in sight. I tend to be most annoyed by things I see in myself. I often say- "Strider- you've eaten, now please go LIVE"

Again, I should take my own advice.

What would I be thinking about if I weren't pondering something tasty? Maybe THEN I could tackle WORLD hunger instead of my own.

Summer is here!

And I didn't have to take Wyatt to the bus stop, nor did I have to think about circle time for preschool or make a lunch! I'm in heaven!!!

I'm sure I'll feel desparate for normalcy once August rolls around, but for now the break is much appreciated.

I have to get painting, I need to get my Etsy store going, I need to clean this stupid house and I need to feel like a good mom for once.

Today I'm stressed because I have a dentist appointment- so, thats eating my head. I'm still nervous even though I get to take a Xanax before the appt. and most likely wont remember the experience much at all. This is the one time I'm actually thankful for a Pharmaceutical company. Without this i'd feel sick all day before the appt.

I'm trying to do the Eat Fat Lose Fat thing for few weeks. Mostly because I feel like I want to gain control of my weight loss without "low fat" products that are full of garbage. Alot of what Mary Enig (the author) says resonates with me. It just makes sense that we are all nutrient deprived- no one eats real food anymore.

I'm a tad paranoid that the high fattiness of the diet will make me gain, but so far, after a week I have not. And I'm impressed at how satiated I feel!

We are VERY anxiously waiting to hear from our real estate agent on whether or not we have a chance to get the house we want. I've got a huge knot in my gut over that.

Did I mention I'm tired of nursing? I know I'm not supposed to say that- I want to be like, "I love nursing! I love connecting with my toddler! It's magical!" And its endless, and she kicks me, and she wants to do it non-stop everytime I sit down. So I stand alot. Even now I'm standing here typing this.

Last night Scarlet hit me in the face with my brush while nursing and I lost my temper. So I walked away, grabbed a wrap and wore her for a few minutes to try and remember whats good about the situation. Matt caught a picture. Thank God for babywearing-even if I only get to do it a few times a week.

Big girls get the job done

And I'm a big girl now.

I had to take a stand on something today in regards to Wyatts school- a bit of a situation where I sort of had to rat someone out for the sake of the school. It was so hard. I almost wanted to fudge a little and pretend I was made to call or something. But I can't do that anymore. I've got to see things and make calls because I'm the adult now.

Very strange to have to have an opinion of your own. I know that sounds just really stupid, but I realized I still don't feel like I'm big enough to have my own opinions yet. At 30!!! Come on!! I'm too old to ask someone else whether I should go to the grocery store or not.

So, I'm starting small. Starting with my vote, my choices of decor. And venturing into school stuff.

Who knows, maybe next I'll decide the fate of mankind!! Ok, well, maybe I'll never be big enough for that.

But I'm a big girl now. Time to let MY yes be yes and MY no be no.

New camera. Big difference.

Not my camera, but Matts. And even I can take good shots with it. I guess you do get what you pay for.

Come ON summer!!!

Can I just say how SICK I am of making lunches? I mean I'm sooooo tired of trying to think of what they are not tired of.

Today was the last day of preschool- pretty fun. They made ice cream and had a total crazy party.

But theres one more week of regular school....ugh. I'm ready to do NOTHING. Except water plants, read and paint. Oh, and parent, I guess. :)

I just ate some yummy barley with mushrooms and spinach. Very random lunch. I just took the leftover barley from dinner last night, added some Hoisin Garlic sauce (random), mushrooms and a handful of torn up spinach. I think this was FINALLY a good choice on my part!!!

I really want to lose my middle junk this summer. Not because I NEED to- because I want to. Like 5 pounds- no more. I mostly need to gain some tone. Which means I need to stop typing and get moving. And Yoga...I need to go back to Yoga.

The picture I added here shows where and why I need to tone up. Size 4, but with a spare tire? No biggie, I guess, but my tummy is a big ole mess.

So, come on summer!!!

Ok, so here we go....

I posted on our family blog about our sucky appraisal- expressing my frustration openly. I'm sure I sounded like a real brat. My apologies.

I can say all this now because things have changed a bit. It seems we are going to take a three year extension on our crappy loan, to bide us some time. This market MUST pick up!

And in the mean time, we have the opportunity to try to get into another house. We found a really nice house we both really like at a very good price. I would never have even looked at except on a whim. It's RIGHT on the road up-country from us- and I alway thought it was so weird because it has this huge block wall in front of it.

But behind the wall.....SOOOOO nice! Clean! Remodeled! Big!! 1600 square feet!!!

I'm not going to get into the details of how we are doing it- but we need prayer and good thoughts towards our chances of getting it!

Theres no other offers, but it is a "Short Sale" and we are at the mercy of banks. It's not bank-owned yet, its much more complicated than that. And we have alot of time to wait. Like, months....

So, throw us your good vibes! We'll need them to make this happen. Approval and speedy processing is what we need.

The picture is of Wyatt in the living room of this house in question....we really love it!

Painters block

I'm learning alot about myself as an "Artist".

I stress myself out SOOOOOOO bad about getting a painting to look right that I totally lock up and cant paint. Pretty unproductive, right?

Well, I finally finished one that I took WAAAAAAAAAAAY too long to do. I loved the way it started- I got the tones right, the sketch was good. But when I really got going, it started to look like crud and I got freaked!

But, Matt basically stood behind me and pushed me to finish- helping me to critique and make some decisions on what needed to happen to get this one right. It was a huge help!

Another down!

UGHH!!!

Soooo tired right now. And SOOOOOOOO much to do. (sorry about my obsession with spelling "so" with multiple "o's"...you get the point, right?)

I am STILL not done with that painting. I am stuck. I can get un-stuck, but I'm not there yet. And with MAtt gone I can't seem to think straight.

How pathetic is that?

We spent all last week and weekend cleaning and working on the house for an appraisal. We were so proud of ourselves, and then the appraiser totally took a dump on us and appraise it retardedly low.

And the kids wont go to bed.

And I have cramps.

Thanks for reading.

Single Parenting blows.

Matt has been gone. Alot. He has been in Concord all week and wont come home until Friday night. Then he's gone again from Monday till wednesday.

And I do not weather this very well. The kids bonkers for him and obsess about him when he's gone. They are all at hard ages right now, too. (I'm whining, I realize that, but it IS my blog, so, deal with it)

I'd feel better if he was doing something he loves, but he's not. He's sort of miserable. And therefore, so am I.

Also, I started another painting and am posting a shot of my progress for accountability's sake. I NEED to get moving on it. In all my free time.

One more down!

Another painting finished. I'm pretty happy with it! I am learning very, very quickly how to paint portraits. I really wish I'd had some training, as I seem to get stuck quite a bit. I am struggling with getting things to look right the first time- right now I have to keep re-painting and re-painting.

I have to get going on my next one as the next mama is very excited and I took so long finishing this one! I'm nervous that people aren't going to want to wait so long for these. And I'm thinking once I do the Etsy store, I will definetly have to charge more. I am investing alot of time and supplies into these and not really making much money- and we really need the money. I just feel so weird setting prices.

Someone told me most artists charge $1 a square inch- which would make these $140! Right now I'm charging $60 plus shipping. Help!

Ok, so, what if I DON'T pose

And Matt just catches my real face, tired at the dinner table.

This is it.

I'm not a rock star. I MAY be an artist, though- thats cool enough for right now.

Thanks for coming here and looking at my freaking face.

Love me?

Vanity backfires- more growing up to do, I guess.

So, everytime I go to a Chinese restraunt, I always check out the placemats with the Chinese Zodiac on them. My sign is the Snake. Heres some Snake info:

"People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle."

How flattering. And how freakishly accurate. (except for the "say little" part- thats NOT accurate) I'm vain. I look in the mirror too much. I think about my clothes and my hair and my overall effect WAY too much. And though I've gotten LESS vain over the years, I'm still embarassingly showy.

My hair isn't blue anymore, but I'm letting it grow very long- I like extremes. And I tend to see myself as art- like I can make myself an exhibit of sorts to express my ideas about culture or aesthetic. I've never felt weird or impropriate about this stuff as an adult and still like to push the envelope with my clothes and jewelry and shoes and stuff.

Well, I tend to like attention, reassurance and flattery- as noted by my OTHER Astrological sign Cancer (although I dont actually follow astrology, I find the signs to be tremendously convicting sometimes).

I'm 30. I'm a mother of three and very happily married- seriously- VERY happy. ACTUALLY married to my soul mate. SO, am I looking around for attention from men? NO! Just....attention in general, if we're being brutally honest.

So, a week ago, I got some attention from a (male)friend that freaked me out. Just flattery, really, but excessive, in my opinion. Enough to make me realize who I am and what I'm doing here. Now, maybe he would have complimented me regardless of how I dress, but it made me realize something.

I am not a teenager. I should not need people to look at me anymore. What is wrong with me? I always say men don't hit on me, so Matt has nothing to worry about. But a friend of mine says that I probably just don't realize it. Really? Men have been hitting on me all these years and I didn't get it?

And now that I feel someone HAS sort of "hit" on me, I'm totally freaked out! I do NOT want this attention. I do not want people- any people to see me as someone whos looking to get this sort of attention.

Ugh. Why am I so lame? When will the realizations of adulthood end? Will I ever be a good person?

I choose not to add a photo. Because it would no doubt be of myself. Being vain. Yikes.

Oh the humanity

I hate teeth. I'm told I don't want dentures, but I tend to think those people are simply paid by greedy dentist to say that. My teeth suck. They are the only part of my body that I cant count on to work WITH me. (ok, my skin doesn't help me much either.)

My teeth hate me and I hate them. I use to take better care of them, but now it seem even brushing hurts.

Last time I went to get a filling, I freaking FELT THE DRILL! @#$%!!!!!!!!!!!!! And four months later, that same tooth looks AWFUL and needs work.

What the HELL am I going to do? I'm freaking out. I have an appointment on May 6th...and I've called my doctor to see if he'll just kill me beforehand. Ok, ok, I mean, I called to see about some Xanax (spelling?).

I'm scared. I'd rather give birth anyday. We can put a man on the moon, but we cant make a tiny filling less painful than passing a human through our torso? What kind of screwed up world is this?

Under the gun with no voice, no time and a toddler

Tonight there is a Gallery at Oak Hills Church I've PROMISED to have at least one piece in. The problem is I HAVEN'T FINISHED ANY OF THE PIECES!!!!!

My house is a wreck, too. I've got so much to do this morning, my natural tendency is to ignore it all and go to bed. Seriously- I did it in college all the time! I know, I know, I'm a grown up, I've got to get my rear in gear. (yikes, "rear in gear"?)

Also, I've lost my voice and Matt and I are in a skit Saturday night for this Mosaic:Night with the Arts. I will be fine I'm sure, but yikes....

Here is my latest painting, which I actually like! Ok, off to finish my other painting.

Another painting and more creativity menacing my real life

One down and hopefully more to go! Yes, I offically sold my first painting. And while my gut is churning, hoping the mama will like the painting, I'm excited to be doing this!

I need to finish my second one, I just need a dedicated hour or so without someone hanging on my leg!!! Aghh!

I also need to finish a piece for Mosaic, a gallery/show coming up in a few weeks. Matt and I are in a drama that we need to write as well. Yikes! But this is the stuff of life! The good stuff!!

And I haven't worked on my screenplay in a while. I need to! I was so ahead of schedule and and feeling so good. But now I'm having to face the fact that hey...this is a story- you're gonna have to bring it around eventually- no more talking, make something happen!!! It's a challenge. And I love it. I'm pretty sure all my friends think I'm crazy, and thats ok for me. I'm always crazy. If you catch me acting normal, planning ahead, on top of things, that means somethings desperately amiss!

Broken Hearts, Dreams come true, all whilst living in a crap hole

So, Matt and I are doing Script Frenzy this month. The object is to complete a 100 page script or screenplay in the month of April. I completed NaNoWriMo (50, 000 word novel) in November and LOVED doing it, and I'm enjoying this too- although I'm way behind.

My idea isn't anything impressive- its a love story. I'm so inspired by old love songs and how music effects our emotions, I wanted to sort of write a screenplay around the different feeling in a relationship in connection with songs. As far as the story itself, it's loosely based on a heartbreak in my own life; sort of a "what if it HAD" worked idea. And I've worked on the characters enough that I think it COULD work- as opposed to the real life inspiration. I love the idea of people who are in love but separated somehow- I guess I'm a hopeless sap. There is something so beautiful about a broken heart. Its the best worst feeling in the world.

So, when I'm not painting, I'm writing scenes. Or listening to Linda Ronstadt, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Skeeter Davis, etc. Whatever sappiness moves the next scene.

Painting. Ok, so I finished my first commissioned painted on Friday, and it feels good. All though I am endlessly critical of my work. I can barely stand to even look at it. I hope to gain a healthy perspective on my own paintings. I cannot seem to totally except my own work, it never seems right. I wonder if it ever will be?

I start my second today- hopefully it will be less of a challenge! The last one, I had to paint a beautiful babies face- with all it's delicate coloring and sweetness. At this point in my skill level there is NO way to do justice to a childs face. I've got to practice me. This will all feel real when I actually get paid. That will be surreal. Does that mean I'm an artist? I've been waiting 30 years to hear that one.

Ok...so, some coffee, some Patsy Cline, a few scenes to crank out and a line drawing to complete.

Oh crap- I forgot I have three kids to tend to today! And laundry....and this nasty house to deal with. Dangit.

Check out this picture looking into the kids room. You'd think THIS was my top priority. But you see- this disgusting mess wont go anywhere- it will be here tommorow. Along with my inability to deal with it. The crap hole of my living space is something I can count on. I should work on it, but I'm overwhelmed and I've got too much else going on to deal with it right now.

Painting.

I want to be an artist. Yes! Me and 5 million other people! 2 million of which probably have more time, experience and talent than me! Thats why I don't paint. Why bother?

But the question haunts me: What if I was good? And what if I could really do this and make a name for myself and paint the kind of stuff I'd love to see at a gallery? What IF?

Ugh.

Well, I decided to do a painting for a friends birthday, and as you probably guessed- its the one pictured here. I was happy with it....for once! I have done probably a dozen paintings, but this one, I liked enough to actually give to someone.

So, now I'm taking a chance- I'm opening it up to other people and offering customs paintings of babywearing moms. I'm really excited, but scared, too. I keep thinking, "What if I can't do it?"

But, if I DON'T do it, I certainly "can't". All I can do is dive in and try.

Food for eating not just abuse

So, I realized last year that I have a bit of an eating disorder. Nothing too serious- no professional help required, but there nonetheless.

I over eat, comfort eat, and then generally obsess about what I ate. In the past any given day could include the consummation of an entire bag of Oreos, perhaps a stick of butter, and definetly as much meat as I could get my hands on.

Well, last year for Lent I gave up cookies candies and cakes.

I lost 8 pounds.

So, in August, Matt and I started Weight Watchers.

I have since lost at least 30 pounds. And I am astounded at how poor my diet was- and still is, actually.

I'm dabbling in raw foods. This is something I've always felt was a ridiculous idea. But the more I try, the more I like. It started with the Green Smoothies and now its spreading into my snacks .

MAtt is not very interested in doing much that involves uncooked food, especially as a main course. He loves salad, but, he's not into say, Raw tacos, or anything like that.

But, when we start harvesting from our garden, I'm going to start trying things out with him.

In the meantime, I'm focusuing on whole foods for our meals.

Tonight we're having chicken breasts, sauteed spinach with garlic and barley.

Thats good, right? Not raw....but wholesome. Nothing out of a box!

the flu that wont die

Enough said. We are all sick and achy and some of us are vomiting.

I just thought someone should know in case we never recover.

(just kidding....its not THAT BAD)


(but it is irritating.)

Thanks for reading- I'm sure you're inspired now.

Shameless mom post

As kids get older, you seem to have less and less of the whole "awww...look at them....how cute" feeling.

But Matt came home from the airshow with some pictures and this one was among them. For me it shows the baby boy I've been in love with since he was born almost 7 years ago.

If you can calm him down and take a picture of him before he makes some goofy face for the camera- you get.....my baby.

The handicap of my creativity

So, my brain doesn't function well. If I have any idea at all or if I'm working to get some ideas for some artisitic endeavor, then I lose all ability to say, find my keys, keep appointments, process general information from a phone conversation, etc.

And I generally ignore laundry, dishes, spills and personal hygeine.

Then, if I can actually express my thought or ideas somehow- I am eventually able to say, "Hey, we need clean socks!!" and throw in a few loads.

I'm not there yet. I'm still wandering around working on my story for Script Frenzy in April, and trying to figure what Resurrection means to me.

I am painting LIVE during the Easter service at Oak Hills and Resurrection is the theme. Well, Resurrection and Hallelujah. And no cliches allowed (no sunrise, no tomb, no cross, no easter lily). So, my brain is panicking and trying desperately to come up with an original thought.

As far as Script Frenzy, I'm pretty set on my story, I just have alot of little things to nail down. This on top of just learning to format a Script!

I also have ambitions to paint enough to get some piece into a gallery. But, yikes! I've got three kids! I can barely keep it together here.

So, I'm only functioning half-way right now. Most people think I'm a fool, of course, but I have to let go of that. At some point I've got to except that these are things I love to do, and as long as my family is healthy and safe, its fine.

But I think I will make sure we all have underwear for the next week...

Busy busy

I have a full time job, it seems. It's called Co-op preschool/Storytime/voluteering at School. (ok, that was totally lame writing...but you get the idea...I only have a few minutes before I have to leave, give me a break!)

Today I read at storytime at the library, then I go to the park until I have to pick up Wyatt at the bus stop.

Tommorow it's my workday at preschool, then I have to rush and get the girls to my moms so I can get up to Wyatts school (25 minutes up into the woods) to teach art.

I love all this, really. It totally fills me up, but for some reason in my personality, I need a lot of free time to let my brain roam around and be free of structure.

You'd think I'd use the time to do laundry or mop- but no....I'm usually just trying to mentally format my screen play or figure out what to paint.

Thats all for now.

Weird Kids, Awful Kids, Sick Kids

That pretty much sums up my bunch the last week.

The sick one- Wyatt. He caught the awful flu that everyones had and pretty much has slept for 5 days.

The weird one- Violet. She continues to frustrate and bewilder us with her personality.

The awful one- Scarlet. You've never seen more determination. She had me nearly in tears (a serious feat) last week in a Hallmark store.

Who's idea was this? Having kids? This is no good. There is no rest. There cant even have good coffee without getting it dumped on your favorite book or your Ektorp sofa from IKEA.

How on earth will I stay sane? I wont. I will continue to lose it on a daily basis on then crumble in despair at my poor parenting.

The good thing is- the kids will continue to say they're sorry. Or in Scarlets case, she'll say, "'K, mommy, k?" And thats the good part. Why do they keep loving me? I don't even get them fully clothed every day and yet they dont hate me for some reason.

And despite their eccentricities, I can't stop being addicted to their little (dirty) faces. And I guess I can deal with the fact that when we go places people regard them as monsters. This is one area where my people pleasing doesn't fully apply. (possibly the only area)

A (small) roof over our heads.

I enjoy writing on our family blog- but I keep the posts related to simplifying, and my failures along those lines.

But believe me, I fail in ALOT more areas than simplification.

I fail at relationships, housekeeping, personal hygiene, dog training, and latte art on a daily basis. So much so, that I tend to wonder exactly what it is that I'm succeeding at besides being stinky and a leech on the people in my life.

Yikes, that's bleak. I should have warned you. This blog is a place for me to process things. That means you'll have to hear alot of my self-loathing. I wouldn't suggest my blog as any sort meditative reading.

I'm actually having a good week- despite a setback that may have been a source of depression.

We found out that our house is worth at least $50K less than we thought. This is huge in the scheme of things because we got this crazy idea that we wanted to buy the house next door.

It's everything we'd ever want- 3 bedrooms, huge living room and kitchen, flat lot, finished attic, 2 car garage, etc. We've liked it ever since we moved into our house, and we've always dreamed or joked about moving into it.

When it went on the market, we dared to dream, and contacted the realtor about it. The price was not what we thought it'd be- it was about $50K more than we'd predicted. But we were offered help from family.

And that help sort of petered out, and there's just no way, now. Especially now that we know we will most definitely lose money on this house.

There are so many issues tied up in this- my need for change (unhealthy, but present), Matt's anxiety over our finances, my desire to have a place to welcome family and guests, the real need of actual physical space for our growing family.

Ugh.

I don't know what the right way to feel is. I really thought God was leading us to that house. But, as always, it seems like my dreams are never in the real plans.

I'm bummed. Realistically, we are fine were we are. I know all the right answers of how I should feel blessed that we even own a home, of how we have our health, etc. But, I'm still bummed.

We couldn't even buy a cheaper home without getting into a bind right now. We may be upside down in this loan. That's what I get for pushing us into this house, I suppose.

It is our first home, and I felt it would be a good investment that we could always sell for more money when we needed to. I pushed Matt into buying it.

And here we are. Stuck.

I wont go into why I loathe this little house lately. We are simply a family of five living in a poorly planned 2 bedroom home with no closets. (ok, we have one closet). To make things worse we have a big dog. (not my idea, by the way....sorry Strider, but you're killing me.)

Ok. Complaining over. I promise.

We are safe and warm and happy. And I know who I am, and my family loves me, and we have food. (takes deep breath)

I just wish my object of desire weren't outside my window, flashing it's wrap around porch at me. :)

The picture here is of our current house- to which everyone always says "Awww, its so CUTE!". Yes, yes, it's mildly charming. Try living in it with 3 kids during a long winter full of power outages.

OK, I'm done NOW.

Going green

I joined the Green Smoothie Challenge this month! I was so inspired by what I read on this blog (in the link), I knew I had to do it!

For one month, I will drink a green smoothie (60% fruit, 40% greens) everyday. I DO NOT like vegatables. I prefer baked goods and good steaks. Or Pad Thai.

And I hardly eat anything uncooked. I've been inspired to try SOMETHING raw (except cookie dough, for once), and I figured these smoothies were a very doable compromise.

I've always had a penchant for health fads, and have always liked funky juices.

My favorite so far?

Apples, lemon, spinach and mint. Heavenly!

Currently I am drinking a pear, and apple, baby greens and ginger. Lets see how I do!

Trying to blog.

I realized perhaps it time for my own blog. Perhaps I am my own person? No! Who let me grow up? Oh thats right- no one, and now I'm trying to actually do it.

So this is MY blog. Carolyns blog.

No one has to worry about what it says except me. And maybe my mom....but thats another issue.

Love me? (I should work on the people pleasing too...)